I’m sitting on the subway on my way home from work, listening to music with my headphones. I’ve forgotten that I have a son. My body thinks it’s time to relax and my brain is expecting a calm evening. The music is all I have to think about, at the moment.
This kind of dejavu is not unwelcome. Don’t get me wrong… I love being a mother, and when I get home tonight, I’m going to succumb whole-heartedly to the snugglefest that Olly will unleash on me, even if it lasts a whole 30 minutes (like it did yesterday). It’s just that I miss certain things about life before becoming a mom, like not being completely responsible for another human being. Being able to listen to music on my headphones because there is no tiny human who might need me and is only capable of getting my attention by screaming (or so he thinks). Being able to close my eyes and shut the world out for a few minutes. These are all things that I took for granted because I never understood just how drastically my life would change by becoming a mother.
Change is something that I’ve always struggled with – feared, to be honest, but I’ve forced myself to face it head on as often as possible. I struggled with the idea of not going to work Monday to Friday, 9 to 5. I struggled with having a lack of direction while on maternity leave and then I struggled with never having time to think when Olly started needing more of my mental capacity. I really struggled with the thought of returning to work and leaving Olly in someone else’s care (see my previous post). But here I am, today, enjoying the opportunity to acknowledge and appreciate how different my life is, and all of the things I miss about the past, along with the things I love about my present situation.
Is this adulting?